Devious Journal Entry

i hate when the phone rang.
no matters for what reason
sometimes i hope that it will ring
and said those things i want to hear
but it never happen

i hate when you call
there is nothing but reasons
and those words to make me cry
but you never know, you never meant it

i hate when i have to talk to you
all those sad words and sentences
all those try to understand and help
and all end up with you said nothing you can do

i hate when you said those things
to be brave, to understand, to be strong
to endure, to try again, to sacrifice
to stay, to forget, to be anything but my self

i hate when i am all alone at night
but i alone 6 nights a week
8 hours a night
no, i don't sleep, i cry, i weep

i hate when i keep trying to tell my self
to be strong, to smile, to laugh
to joke, to accept, and to die
i am not living my life anyway

i try to tell my self all those happy things in the world
having another negotiation with my self, to give my self a chance
telling my self i am strong, silly but lucky
then phone rings, negotiation off.

i hate when i keep repeating history
tears after tears
night after night
die after dead so many times
when i thought i will run out tears, but i shed again
and when i thought i will never run out tears, i never shed
no more tears
as no more dreams to hold, no more heart to save, no more home to run away

i m not here
i m not there
i m not me
i m not you
i m not living
i m not dying
i m simply not I

(but who cares?)